So, why are we so jealous?

Unsurprisingly, studies have shown that increased jealousy correlates with lower self-esteem. “Many of us are often unaware of the basic shame that exists within us, because it comes so naturally to think self-critical thoughts about ourselves.

Yet, shame from our past can heavily influence the degree to which we feel jealous and insecure in the present,” said Dr. Lisa Firestone, author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. As she and her father Dr. Robert Firestone define it, the “critical inner voice” is a form of negative self-talk. It perpetuates destructive thoughts and feelings, driving us to compare, evaluate and judge ourselves (and often others) with great scrutiny. This is one reason why learning how to deal with jealousy is so important.

This voice can fuel our feelings of jealousy by filling our heads with critical and suspicious commentary. In fact, what our critical inner voice tells us about our situation is often harder to cope with than the situation itself. 

A rejection or betrayal from our partner is painful, but what often hurts us even more are all the terrible things our critical inner voice tells us about ourselves after the event. “You’re such a fool. Did you really think you could just be happy?” “You’ll wind up alone. You should never trust anyone again.”

TYPES OF JEALOUSY

To illustrate how this internal enemy feeds our negative feelings around jealousy, we’ll look closer at two types of jealousy before others: romantic jealousy and competitive jealousy. While these two forms of jealousy often overlap, considering them separately can help us better understand how jealous feelings may be affecting different areas of our lives and how we can best deal with jealousy.

Romantic Jealousy

It’s a basic reality that relationships go smoother when people don’t get overly jealous. The more we can get a hold on our feelings of jealousy and make sense of them separate from our partner, the better off we will be. Remember, our jealousy often comes from insecurity in ourselves – a feeling like we are doomed to be deceived, hurt or rejected. Unless we deal with this feeling in ourselves, we are likely to fall victim to feelings of jealousy, distrust or insecurity in any relationship, no matter what the circumstances.

These negative feelings about ourselves originate from very early experiences in our lives. We often take on feelings our parents or important caretakers had toward us or toward themselves. We then, unconsciously, replay, recreate or react to old, familiar dynamics in our current relationships. For example, if we felt cast aside as kids, we may easily perceive our partner as ignoring us. We may choose a partner who’s more elusive or even engage in behaviors that would push our partner away.

The extent to which we took on self-critical attitudes as children often shapes how much our critical inner voice will affect us in our adult lives, especially in our relationships. Yet, no matter what our unique experiences may be, we all possess this inner critic to some degree. Most of us can relate to carrying around a feeling that we won’t be chosen. The degree to which we believe this fear affects how threatened we will feel in a relationship.

In my blog “Are You the Cause of Your Jealousy? ,” I wrote, “Lurking behind the paranoia toward our partners or the criticisms toward a perceived third-party threat, are often critical thoughts toward ourselves. Thoughts like, ‘What does he see in her?’ can quickly turn into ‘She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me!’ Even when our worst fears materialize, and we learn of a partner’s affair, we frequently react by directing anger at ourselves for being “foolish, unlovable, ruined or unwanted.”

Like a sadistic coach, our critical inner voice tells us not to trust or be too vulnerable. It reminds us we are unlovable and not cut out for romance. It’s that soft whisper that plants the seed of doubt, suspicion and uncertainty. “Why is she working late?” “Why is he choosing his friends over me?” “What is she even doing when I’m away?” “How come he’s paying so much attention to what she’s saying?”

Those of us familiar with how jealousy works know that, all too often, these thoughts will slowly start to sprout and blossom into much larger, more engrained attacks on ourselves and/or our partner.  “She doesn’t want to be around you. There must be someone else.” “He’s losing interest. He wants to get away from you.” “Who would want to listen to you? You’re so boring.”

These jealous feeling can arise at any point in a relationship, from a first date to the 20^th year of a marriage. In an attempt to protect ourselves, we may listen to our inner critic and pull back from being close to our partner. Yet, in an ultimate catch 22, we also tend to feel more jealous when we’ve retreated from pursuing what we want. If we know on some level we’re not making our relationship a priority or actively going after our goal of being loving or close, we tend to feel more insecure and more jealous. That is why it’s even more essential to learn how to deal with jealousy and not to blindly act on jealous feelings by pushing our partner further away.

Competitive Jealousy

While it may feel pointless or illogical, it is completely natural to want what others have and to feel competitive. However, how we use these feelings is very important to our level of satisfaction and happiness. If we use these feelings to serve our inner critic, to tear down ourselves or others, that is clearly a destructive pattern with demoralizing effects. However, if we don’t let these feelings fall into the hands of our critical inner voice, we can actually use them to acknowledge what we want, to be more goal-directed or even to feel more accepting of ourselves and what affects us.

It’s okay, even healthy, to allow ourselves to have a competitive thought. It can feel good when we simply let ourselves have the momentary feeling without judgment or a plan for action. However, if we ruminate or twist this thought into a criticism of ourselves or an attack on another person, we wind up getting hurt. If we find ourselves having an overreaction or feeling haunted by our feelings of envy, we can do several things.

Be aware of what gets triggered. 

Think about the specific events that cause you to feel stirred up. Is it a friend who’s having financial success? An ex who’s dating someone else? A co-worker who speaks her mind in meetings?

Ask yourself what critical inner voices come up. 

What types of thoughts do these jealous feelings spark? Are you using these feelings of jealousy to put yourself down? Do they make you feel insignificant, incapable, unsuccessful etc.? Is there a pattern or theme to these thoughts that feels familiar?

Think about the deeper implications and origins of these thoughts: 

Do you feel a certain pressure to achieve a particular thing? Is there something you think you’re supposed to be? What would getting this thing mean about you? Does this connect to your past?

Once we’ve asked ourselves these questions, we can understand how these feelings may have more to do with unresolved issues within us than with our current life or the person our jealousy is directed at. We can have more compassion for ourselves and try to suspend the judgments that lead us to feel insecure.

Jealousy is Unhealthy – How I Learnt My Lesson!

I was raising with rage in the lunch hour that day. I didn’t want to speak to anybody as it was an insult to me that I didn’t get selected as the captain of the football team. My best friend Samuel was chosen as the captain of the team. I was too angry at my sports teacher as I felt I deserved to be captain. Besides, this year we also had too many interesting school competitions and I’d prepared enough to be the captain.

Samuel was jumping with joy and my classmates were congratulating him. I was lost in my own internal battles that were running in my mind, “How can you be jealous of your own best friend? You’re a cheap headed guy, Johnny! No! I’m not jealous of him. It’s just that I’m sad because I feel I deserved the post….” and so on. As depicted in ‘3 Idiots’ movie, I was actually wondering what was the reason behind my sorrow?  me not getting selected as the captain or my best friend getting selected as the captain?
Anyways, I concluded that I was sad and ordered a Coke. Samuel came to me and told how happy he was to be selected as the captain of the team! I gave a subtle smile and told, “Congrats buddy!”

We guys, likewise girls, can never admit we are jealous!

Days moved on and we started practicing for the inter school competitions. Samuel was training pretty well, He was a defender while I was an attacker. Although I always used to think that I can train the team better than him. I was too intolerant towards him.

The moment he said anything like, “Johnny, that’s not how you do it. You need to pass the ball often and not just run pass defenders…” and so on, I would tell him, “Sam, I know how to play it. Just because you’re the captain doesn’t mean you’re the best at it after all our position in the pitch isn’t the same so why not focus on your game and let me focus on mine. I can do it. We are a team. Don’t guide me so much”. I could notice that my other team mates didn’t like this kind of behavior from me. I was least bothered about it anyways.

Soon the date of inter school competition was announced. The sports teacher asked us to start our final practice and told that we’ve got to make it to the finals this time. My class was always knocked out at the knock-out stage. Samuel had taken this way too seriously and he motivated all of us to give our best. But then, he knew deep inside that I wouldn’t consent to everything he says. He didn’t treat me badly either. All he would do was to gently tell me, “Hey, I know you’re a great player. But please follow whatever I tell … it is in the interests of the entire team”. I would nod my head unwillingly. Every time we played, I never co-ordinated with him well. If he told me not to dribble too much and pass instead of dribbling as it would be considered selfish, I still would do it telling, “I’ve more experience than what you have. I know how to play this game”. My team mates told me what I was doing was wrong. They advised me to follow his commands and strategies as he would be drawing all of them in the best interests of the team members.

I was adamant.

I told them, “All of you can follow the commands of your captain. I’m better experienced than all of you, I’ll handle it myself”.

The most waited date had finally arrived. We all were all set to play and win the championship level by level till we reach the finals. In the first match, as usual, Samuel guided us with some tricks. I was too intolerant towards him even then. I don’t know why he felt that I was the right person to lead the attack. I went. I started playing by applying my own skills. I didn’t follow any guidelines that was given to me by captain. I was too stubborn on proving that he was the WRONG captain. My tricks didn’t work in my favour. I lost the first match and I didn’t score a goal.

Samuel had soon realized something. He just ran to my sports teacher. I thought he’ll definitely complain about me telling I didn’t follow his guidelines. After 5 minutes, my sports teacher called me. I went to him fearing that I’m fired from the team. But what happened next shocked me! He told me, “Johnny, your captain Samuel wants you to be the captain from now on. He says he’s not capable of handling your team. So you are the captain from now on. Go take charge of your team and boost your team’s spirit”. I didn’t know how to react!

I felt so stupid about myself. I was too jealous of him and was unwelcoming towards all his efforts and there he was who was ready to give up his captain post because he wanted the team to win.

It was a realization moment for me.

I went to Samuel and before I could speak anything, he told me, “Hey! Congrats pal! You’re now the new captain. Forget whatever happened Johnny. It’s fine. You don’t even have to be sorry. I’m your best friend and I’m proud that you are the captain of our team. Go on! It’s time to show our team spirit!” I didn’t have too much to speak. I just told him, “I’m sorry Sam. I was jealous of you. I’ve learnt my lesson. Thank you.”

Later, I told all my team members about my behavior and apologized to everyone. I told them that captain post is just for formality sake. All of us were equally talented. We made plans together as a team and executed them. We won that tournament and I was the highest goal scorer while Samuel won the best Defender of the tournament with the same energy levels we also made it to the Group stage, to Knock-out stage, and finally the finals too! I became indifferent towards the concept of captain post and saw it more like a mere formality. I knew that a team can succeed when there’s cooperation and team spirit. I know that it was not me, but our team spirit that led us till the finals.

I took home an important lesson that day.

Jealousy is unhealthy for everyone.

By being jealous of someone, you’re not only hurting the other person but also putting down your own positive spirits. I promised myself that I’ll never feel jealous of anyone again! For my own good and everybody’s good!

So, the big question is, how can you deal with jealousy? What are the effective strategies you can use in dealing with this emotion? Well, I would advise you get a copy of this my new book ”Enslaved To Jealousy- How To Break Free”.